A Year Has Passed
by Cats070911
Summary: On the anniversary of Helen's shooting Tommy wants to think about his future but when Barbara accidentally learns of his plans how will she react?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all the usual disclaimers apply. For those of you who forget to silence their mobiles when they go to bed... Leonie warning: This chapter revolves around the H word.

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Barbara Havers woke with a start. She had sacrificed many things in life to be Detective Inspector Lynley's sergeant but at 5 am she did not think sleep should have to be one of them. Her phone had been chiming incessantly for the last five minutes; all texts from her boss and none of them urgent. She had jokingly set up a personal ringtone for Tommy - a sonorous temple bell that reminded her of his baritone call of 'Havers!'. She had dreamt she was taking part in a Buddhist ceremony and woke only when it changed into the sacrificial rite of an ancient tribe where she was about to be fed into a fire.

 _Stop. It's 5am. Only text if someone dies._ She hoped that might be polite but firm. She did not add the 'or you will' that she wanted to threaten.

She closed her eyes and the temple bell went again. _Sorry, couldn't sleep._

She cursed her boss then silenced her phone and rolled over. For five minutes she tried to sleep but had to get up to go to the bathroom. She felt guilty about silencing the phone so turned it back on then tried to sleep again. What was the date? Barbara groaned wondering how she could forget it was was a year today since Helen had been killed. Of course her boss would be looking for distractions to stop thinking about the loss of his wife.

She showered quickly as she contemplated what to do. He had been quiet all week; not sullen exactly but certainly more reflective and grumpy than normal. She worried now that he had been up all night drinking. That was never good. He was prone to dependency issues but would never admit it. They had no case at the moment either to provide a distraction. A good murder would be handy today.

Tommy had been awake most of the night, not reliving the horror of watching his wife accidentally shot in front of him and the feelings of guilt and helpless that had followed but thinking about his future. He had wisely paced his drinking but did not feel as melancholy as he thought he should. As Lord Asherton an interval of twelve months would be acceptable for him to now start seriously courting someone and another few months and it would be almost expected that he remarry. His reputation had been seriously damaged by his brief and unfortunately tragic liaison with Julia Oborne and he would be off limits to many of the women of polite society. He was happy for that because the only person he wanted was his inexplicably loyal but frustratingly unpredictable sergeant.

He ran his hand through his hair as he debated how to approach her. She was the only person who had ever accepted him for all his strengths and faults and supported him even when he was wrong. She had even helped him after Julia had died and persuaded others to also risk their careers for him because she believed in him. He could never really understand why but they had a connection, one he could not name, but it was elastic and unbreakable.

For many years he had dismissed his feelings for her, trying to think of her as a sister. He had known since the moment Barbara had been shot that his love for her was much more personal but he had been married, even if Helen had left him, and he could never betray either of them. He knew he was a coward too. Life with Barbara would be complicated, even volatile, and he had not had the courage to face all the consequences.

Even so he had started to hint at his feelings but then he had been suspended and Helen had returned with the promise that life could be stable. He had seized it but he had seen that fleeting look of disappointment in Barbara's eyes when he had told her. He had been cruel and spineless doing it the way he had. He should have explained but there was no satisfactory explanation other than it made his life easier and everyone would approve. He was ashamed of himself and even more remorseful of the way he had readily joined Helen's mocking of Barbara. He should have stood up for the woman who never let him down.

When Helen had returned to his life and his bed Barbara had soldiered on the only way she knew how. She had never said a bad word about Helen but he knew she did not respect her. Barbara would never understand their history when Helen had been young and carefree and a wonderful friend to him. Rhys had changed her. She had never recovered from that relationship and Tommy could never match him. Every time he slept with Helen he knew he disappointed her. The fire and passion she had felt for Rhys could not be replicated in their friendship. He had tried and when she returned he could tell she had had other lovers. He had remained faithful, unable to follow through with Christine and too scared to approach Barbara. He fretted that Helen had not had the same hesitation but she had come back to him and at the time that mattered far more.

Yet throughout all his troubles and despite his treatment of her, Barbara had loyally supported him. She actually took the time to listen to him and reassure him. She had even tried desperately to save Helen when she was shot and had found him on the day of the funeral to let him know people cared. Time and time again she had shown she valued him and their friendship yet he had thanked her by wallowing in his guilty misery and pushing her away. They had become close again after he returned to work but he knew it would be a huge leap of faith for her to ever trust him with her heart.

He had sent her the texts hoping she had been awake but when she had told him to stop he was mildly annoyed. He knew he was being totally unreasonable but he expected her to be there when he needed her. He showered and prepared for work. He would go in early to fill his mind with something other than his own issues. He was just about to grab his coat when his bell rang.

"Hiya, I bought coffee. Strong coffee." Barbara was standing on his doorstep with two cups from his favourite cafe.

He grinned foolishly. She had understood after all. "Just what I need."

They chatted about nothing as they drank the coffee in his kitchen. The weather, Winston's latest girlfriend, and Lafferty's jokes were all the inconsequential things they covered as both skirted around the elephant that was expanding and crowding them out of the room.

"Should we make an early start?" he suggested.

"Yeah, may as well."

Barbara did not let him out of her sight all day. She found excuses to be in his office or in his car when they decided to go and remeasure the route the murderer of the strangled Richmond housekeeper had taken. Companionable silence squeezed next to the elephant that had followed all day. She had waited for him to mention Helen, if he wanted to do so, but he had avoided any discussion likely to lead that way. On the way back from Richmond they decided to end the day early and go for a drink at the pub.

"Would you mind if I went to the cemetery first? It's on the way."

"No, of course not." Barbara was surprised but sensed that he would need support tonight. His facade was beginning to weaken.

When they arrived Tommy parked near the grave. Barbara stayed in the car. She was giving him space and privacy. "I won't be long," he assured her.

"Take as long as you need Sir."

Helen's grave was somewhere behind a majestic old oak tree. He had only visited once before when the stone had been dedicated. He saw little point in regular visits. Helen was not there, even in spirit. He was not even sure why he had decided to come today. He wandered across the grass trying to find the grave but not wanting Barbara to know he had only the vaguest idea where it was located. Many of the graves had sagged into the ground making his journey perilous. He finally found Helen's headstone behind a small mound. Her grave was too fresh to have sunk but a year on the uncompromising London climate meant the black polished granite had started to lose its gloss and the gold letters had darkened. There was a sadness to the impermanence. He glanced around at the flowers on nearby graves. He had not brought any for Helen as he considered them a waste. Now he was here he felt guilty about being stingy. He stood silently for a long time feeling he should say something; anything. "Hi. It's me."

Barbara watched him meander across the neatly trimmed lawn. He looked totally bewildered like a a lost little boy. She should have done more when he had locked himself away for those months. As she watched him she imagined him alone looking deeper into a bottle for peace and forgiveness. It would have been better to bring it to a head than to let him fester. She had been wrong leaving him alone. She was an introvert who could think things through but her boss needed to talk and have someone genuinely listen to him without judgement or advice. Helen had once been his confidante but as his lover that had been lost and Tommy felt friendless. She wished she had pushed herself forward so that he would have known he had her.

She wanted to go to him now and offer support but again she convinced herself he needed his privacy. Her phone buzzed and Barbara groaned at its timing. The murder she had hoped for this morning had finally occurred. At least it was not a shooting but someone pushed down a lift well would have its own brutality. Barbara walked quietly up the small hill to the tree. She paused, not wanting to intrude on his private moment.

"...me. I don't really know why I came Helen. I don't believe you can hear me but I...well I need closure as you psychologists like to say. I've behaved badly since you were...shot. I drank far too much and made a complete idiot of myself. The Wintergreens and that set won't talk to my family now because I slept with Julia Oborne. Yes, little Julia. Barbara told me it was not my finest moment and that was an understatement."

Barbara had started to move towards him but halted at mention of her name. "Actually Barbara is why I'm here. When you died I mourned the loss of you as a friend not as my wife. I told Barbara once I wasn't sure if I was ever in love with you. Well I wasn't but you knew that. Just as you weren't in love with me. They say you need to be friends with your lover but you also have to be in love. We had no spark Helen; no passion. I didn't like the way Rhys had stolen my friend and his history with women was appalling. I didn't want that life for you but I couldn't offer the type of love you needed but I thought it'd be enough. It never was though was it? I could never give you all of me because...well you knew how I felt about Barbara before I did. I should never have taken you back but we had our reasons and we both wanted it to change, for us to find that special attraction like you had with Rhys and like I feel for Barbara."

Barbara was confused but moved back to the tree so he would not see her. Her breathing was shallow and raspy. She could not believe her ears as he went on. "I wanted to tell you first Helen, not exactly to get your blessing but just to admit it to someone other than myself. I know you accused me of having an affair but we weren't. I've never even kissed her, even now, although I've wanted to so many, many times. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Barbara...really in love, and I want to start seeing her. I know it will be a bit of a rollercoaster ride but she is the only person who has ever made me feel...I can't find the right word. She makes me feel loved, unconditionally. Regardless of how badly I stuff up, she's always there for me in a way you never could be. I feel the same. I want to protect her and spoil her and share everything with her. You can mock her for her taste in coffee cups or enjoyment of caravans but she's genuine and honest and when I'm with her I feel I am me; not Lord Asherton or DI Lynley but Tommy. She told me once I was just being human. She understands me. She makes me feel normal and unashamed of my feelings or my irrationalities. We're a good balance for each other Helen. I just thought you should know that I intend to marry her."

Had her ears betrayed her? Barbara sagged against the tree for support. Her mind raced. It would be awkward to be caught so she crept back to the car. She leant against it. That would look normal enough. If she trusted her legs she could go over to him with the message when he came back but could she trust her arms not to throw themselves around him or her lips not to devour him? She was about to find out. He was heading back towards her with a contented smile.


	2. Chapter 2

"You okay?" she asked him as he reached the car.

"Yes. That was...more cathartic than I imagined. Barbara we need to talk."

Barbara tried to look concerned for him, sympathetic, interested and not the least scared. In reality her heart was racing and her mouth had gone dry. She had an escape and she used it. "There's been a murder in Canary Wharf. Can it wait?" she asked as she held up her phone.

Tommy was disappointed with the timing but Barbara was not to know what he needed to say. He nodded and smiled. "Details?"

"Male, forty-six pushed thirty stories down a lift shaft. Stuart's there now." She almost sighed audibly with relief.

It was five days before they had the chance to stop and think about anything other than locating the killer. In the end it had been a colleague who had been cuckolded by the victim. "Men are funny creatures at times," Barbara remarked idly as they filed the report and prepared to join the others at the pub.

"Why? Because he took revenge or because the victim deliberately targetted his wife to annoy him?"

"Both. I can't imagine sleeping with someone's spouse for revenge or murdering someone because they did that."

"Some men get very possessive." As they walked to his car Tommy could feel they were about to argue. It was not what he wanted tonight.

"And jealous," she said pointedly. She needed a delaying tactic and knew exactly how to upset Tommy enough to not try to have his serious conversation tonight.

"You mean Rhys?" He was certain now that she was provoking him and he had a choice how he reacted. He was determined she was not going to anger him.

"Yeah, you'd have hurt him to protect Helen and she wasn't even your wife then." She pulled the door of his car closed.

Lynley took a deep breath. "She was my friend and I would still want to protect her. I was possessive and jealous but I was wrong thinking I was in love with her. Rhys was a pig of a man but he made her feel alive. I should have left it alone. I never made her feel that way. I stifled her and couldn't give her what she needed nor could she give me what I need."

Barbara was stunned that he had admitted that without prelude. "I'm sorry," she said genuinely, "You don't have to..."

"Ring Winston and tell him something's come up. We need to talk Barbara."

"But they're waiting..."

"Please! Don't argue. Just do it." He was on a precipice. Having made his declaration at Helen's grave he needed to tell Barbara how he felt about her. He needed to know if she felt even remotely the same way about him.

She made the call. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. Tommy was determined to talk to her. She could hardly tell him now that she had overheard his monologue. She could only recall bits of his graveside confession but despite wanting it to be true she did not believe it was real. He might think it was how he felt but could she ever trust him to know? His record was not great in love and hers was non-existent. How could they ever make it work? And then there was the issue of social difference. She would never be accepted in his circles, even if she wanted to be, which she did not. He had talked about marrying her. That implied commitment but she did not know how they could ever survive together. They were too different; they bickered and disagreed too much. It would never last. There were a thousand reasons why it was a harebrained idea. One thing though stopped her telling him now how crazy he was - she loved him, and nothing he did ever lessened that. She could accept that in the long run it was doomed but the temptation to have him as her own for even a few weeks, days or hours was overriding her common sense. For years she had fantasized about him holding her hand, kissing her, even making love to her. Now she had a chance to experience that and it was nearly impossible to resist.

They sat in nervous silence until he pulled up at his house. Tommy was debating his approach. He imagined Barbara would be frightened by any sudden moves but suspicious of being courted. He needed a middle ground where he could ascertain her feelings and reassure her that every argument he knew she would have would shatter under the strength of his love. Tonight was important. He needed neutral ground to start the conversation. Beer would help and food; Barbara always responded to food. "Let's walk to my local."

They ordered their meals then took their pints to a quiet table up the back. "Barbara I wanted to talk the other night about Helen."

"I know. I'm sorry but when the case came in..."

"I went to the grave to end it," he blurted out. "I've been tormenting myself with what ifs and all the things I never said or wish I'd never said to her. I needed to reclaim my life. I need to look forward not backwards."

"I think that's positive Tom...er Sir."

Tommy stared at her before he gave her a wicked grin. She had almost called him Tommy. "I prefer Tommy."

"I...it..well I..."

He frowned at her and she knew she had to confess. "I overheard you. At the cemetery. I wasn't eavesdropping. I came up to tell you about the murder but I heard and I...I thought it best to pretend I didn't hear."

"I see. Did you hear it all?" Tommy was not sure how she was going to react.

Barbara looked down. "Most of it I think."

"Did it...horrify you?" he asked uncertainly.

"No! Of course not. I think I knew most of it." She paused and realised he thought she knew he loved her. "About you and Helen I mean. Not...not the last bit. That...well that...I didn't know how to react."

Her face was red and her breathing was almost panting. Tommy did not want to scare her off. "How did you want to react?"

"I...I was...happy I think...but scared. I wanted to..."

Tommy gave her one of the smiles he kept especially for her. "Mmmm?"

"I wanted to...call you Tommy." She could not bring herself to say she had wanted to kiss him.

He laughed at the unexpected but welcome confession. "I've wanted that for nearly ten years!" He took her hand and ran his thumb across her knuckles. "I've wanted a lot more too."

"I...this seems...not here, it's too public. We can't discuss that here. I...no...I can't. I'm sorry Tommy."

He could not wipe the happy smile from his face. "I won't rush you Barbara. Besides I'm quite peckish."

They ate their meal while staring at each other and smiling shyly. One would look, the other would smile, the first would smile back and they would both end up with soft, loving eyes peeking coyly at the other. Tommy had not expected things to progress as quickly but it had avoided a lot of awkward explanations. He sensed Barbara needed him to take the lead but he was not sure how far she wanted him to go. Certainly he needed to kiss her tonight. Beyond that he would have to decide after the kiss.

They both dawdled and delayed leaving the pub. They had spoken little but their eyes had talked of apprehension about friendship endangered but also about mutual desire. The way Barbara watched him was new; exciting yet confronting. She clearly had expectations of him, probably from his early tendency to bed half the Met, but he was not sure he could fulfill them. He had hoped everything would just develop naturally but now she knew he intended to ask her to marry him he felt under pressure. What if things did not go as he hoped? What if he was wrong? What if...a hundred issues rushed through his brain.

Tommy put his arm around her shoulders. It was a familiar gesture but this time he left it there as they walked to his house. Barbara put her arm around his waist. That was new but welcome and Tommy began to relax slightly. They passed some shops and Barbara hesitated. "Is everything okay?" he asked. She shuffled around but did not look at him. Tommy was puzzled.

"Do you have adequate PPE?" she asked shyly.

"PPE? As in personal protective equipment? Why would I need a hardhat and...oh. I see." She had paused near a pharmacy. She clearly thought that tonight was going to go further than he had planned. In fact he had not planned anything and was regretting not thinking everything through. Somewhere in his mind he had had visions of romantic settings, roses perhaps, music definitely for when he first made love to her. Now it was clear Barbara thought this walk was straight to his bed but he was unsure if it was what she wanted or simply what she thought he wanted.

He had plenty of protection in his bedside drawer but she would probably be horrified by that. He did not want it to look as if she were simply his latest conquest. And it had been months; nothing since Julia. It would be better to buy more. "I...I...maybe I should just duck in here. Do you have a style you prefer?" Barbara stared at him in complete horror and dropped her eyes to the footpath. He could have kicked himself. "No, right...basic then."

When he disappeared inside Barbara considered hailing a cab and fleeing home. She could text him and apologise. This was incredibly awkward and not at all how she imagined he would sweep her off her feet. Perhaps if she had not mentioned overhearing the conversation their relationship would have developed more organically; slower and with a sense of promise and mystery.

He returned and patted his pocket. He looked as nervous as she felt. They walked silently and slowly the two blocks to his house. Tommy opened the door and guided her into his lounge room where he poured them both generous drinks.

"We're not ready for this are we?" she said accepting the welcome drink.

"We are but I think we're putting too much pressure on ourselves and each other."

"I thought you'd...you know...need to try before you buy."

"You're not a new car Barbara!"

"No but you..."

"What?" he asked gently as he moved closer to her.

"You've slept with a lot of women and you'll...have standards and things you expect me to do and I won't and you'll think I'm terrible in bed...I've been told that before so I know I'll disappoint you and then you'll regret ever suggesting it and..."

Tommy put his drink down and leant his forearms on her shoulders and put his face close to hers. "Not as many women as you seem to think and I have no expectations, tonight or any night. There's no formula. When it happens we'll just respond to each other. I doubt very much that either of us will be disappointed."

"I'm sorry. I told you I'm terrible at relationships." She drained her glass in two gulps and sighed.

Tommy removed the glass from her hand and placed it next to his on the table. He pulled her into an embrace and lovingly stroked her back. She relaxed against him and put her head on his chest and her arms around his waist. "I love you Barbara."

"Arrghh!"

He felt her tears through his shirt and pushed her gently away so that he could look in her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked in alarm fearing he had upset her.

"No one's ever said that to me before. I...I don't know what to do."

Tommy hugged her fiercely. "Nothing. You don't have to do anything Barbara. Just follow you heart."

They stayed motionless for several minutes. "I...love you too Tommy."

"I know. You've proven that to me over the years." He kissed her head and held her until she stopped shaking. "And I know I have to prove myself to you."

Now she pushed him away. "No, you don't. I...I know you are genuine. I don't know how this will go but we both want it to happen...I think...don't we? I will try to make you happy but I've never had a relationship."

"Yes, you have. With me. And we've had it for neatly ten years." He smiled as she pushed herself back into his arms. It felt far more satisfying than holding any other woman had ever been. "And you already make me happy. You're the only person who ever has."

Barbara looked up at him with trusting green eyes and a shy smile. Tommy slowly leant down and touched his lips gently to hers. They were soft and much warmer than he had expected. For a few seconds it seemed awkward and he feared that she did not feel the same gentle love that engulfed him. He withdrew his lips slightly and she followed him, searching for contact. He smiled as he obliged. This time he closed his eyes and banished thought. It was enough to just revel in the sensation.

Nerves had given way to desire. Barbara had never really kissed a man who loved her. Kissing Tommy was so different and yet so much more than she had ever dreamt. He was gentle and caring yet also demanding and lustful. She had surrendered her mouth to his tongue and he had explored almost possessively but had then waited, encouraging her to reciprocate. Barbara's history had been of men taking what they wanted but Tommy clearly wanted to share the experience. The last semblance of uncertainty crumbled as she tentatively responded.

Tommy could not remember afterwards how they had ended up in his room. He remembered the way they had kissed, tumbling together onto the couch and later rolling onto the floor. He could recall her hands under his shirt. They had been standing when he had undone the buttons on her blouse. His eyes had been level with her breasts so maybe that had been on the stairs? He remembered they were in the hallway when he told her she was beautiful as he was first blessed with the sight of her smooth skin, unblemished except for her scar.

Barbara had surprised herself with her boldness. Her limited experience was reduced to a few fumbling minutes of foreplay and then being pinned underneath a heavy, heaving body as it grunted and sweated above her. Tommy was in no rush and had allowed her to initiate each stage of their lovemaking. He seemed focussed only on her pleasure. She loved him more for that but it also gave her an intoxicating sense of control. She concentrated on satisfying him, reassured by his appreciative moans and declarations of love. After losing her self-consciousness she began to talk to him. They shared secret fears and desires. They were making love to each other and Barbara had never experienced anything so powerful, physically or emotionally.

Tommy had always being a polite, considerate lover but he had never had a woman make love to him the way Barbara did. It drove him crazy, in a deliriously maddening, wonderful way. He wanted to hear her screaming his name and he delighted when she did, time and time again. When eventually it was time for him, his orgasm started in his toes and fingers and slowly crept through his body until it seemed to merge with Barbara's. Her heels locked him deep into her and he told her softly how much he loved her while his body shook in total ecstacy.

As the sun rose and created shadows across his bedroom Tommy kissed Barbara then reached for his phone. "Winston? Lynley. I won't be in today. I have already spoken with Sergeant Havers and she has the same problem. It was something from last night. I doubt we will be in tomorrow either...thanks...yes best not to disturb her." He hung up and turned to her grinning.

"Tommy! Did you just lie to Winston?"

"No, I was honest. It was something from last night and we won't be in any fit state to go back to work for a few days. You've exhausted me," he teased lovingly.

"Me too. I didn't know it could happen so often and all night."

"We might never go back again. We can just get married and stay in bed forever."

"You're assuming I'll say yes if you ask."

Tommy nuzzled a spot on her neck that made her melt into his following kiss. "I have a hunch you'll say yes. I could do this forever." He cuddled her into him and kissed her passionately, his intentions more than obvious.

"Mmm, me too but at some stage I'll need breakfast." They laughed as they kissed again. Breakfast was not the first priority for either of them.


End file.
